What's the Dilly Yo?

So my latest big deal is trying to figure out why I'm never content to just be whatever it is that I am. Every few weeks I go through a major psychological crisis where I feel like a monumental failure. It’s not that I just don’t follow through on things, but that I pour absurd resources into each undertaking before realizing that I’m just not content with whatever it is I’m doing. I was trying to explain this to my sister the other day when she asked why I was no longer working on my diaper or preschool businesses. Of course I always have an excuse as to why. “Oh, it was too big a liability for my family,” or “There was a change in the laws regarding children’s wear.” You get the idea. Then she asked me the most profound question I have never inquired of myself, “What’s wrong with just being a mom?”

Women all across the world do it without remorse. To be honest, I don’t have any great ambitions to be a successful working woman. I just have a constant compulsion to work towards something. If I don’t have a goal in mind, then I feel as if I’m wasting my life away. Yet, I am unable to tackle the day to day tasks that would likely give me fulfillment in the long run. Does that make any sense? I think I might feel successful if I were to raise healthy, happy, moderately well adjusted kids, but if I were to make that my goal, I would throw all of my energy and resources into that until I reach burn out. As it is now, I’m a pretty half-ass mom. I go through phases where I’m super-wife and super-mom, cleaning the house, making homemade meals, and providing stimulating learning activities. Then when I become absorbed in another project or schoolwork because I’m no longer feeling validated by my role as mother, I throw the kids in front of the TV and the household goes to shit.

According to my husband I alternate through several character roles or “phases” as he calls them:

1. Good Christian
2. Sexually driven and apathetic
3. Project/goal oriented
4. Self loathing

I’d have to agree with that. I listed them in the order he prefers; I find it interesting that he prefers me to be a super Christian wife over a sex fiend. I’m not unbalanced to the point anyone from the outside world would notice or be concerned, other than possibly observing that my life is a tad chaotic. They are just subtly rolling cycles over which I apparently have no control. I supposedly have ADHD and I suspect that contributes substantially to hyper focusing. I still wonder if there isn’t something else going on, or if that is just who I am? I have a full evaluation with my new shrink at the end of May. I’m hoping to gain some control over myself in order to provide my children with more consistency.