Missing Easter

I love Easter. It is hands-down my favorite holiday. I love all the specials on tv; Discovery Channel has a great series this year on what life was really like for Jesus. Jesus of Nazareth is still my favorite. I get overwhelmed with emotion when I think about what Jesus really went through so that I could be a moron most of the time. Sure everybody knows Jesus "died for our sins", but who really thinks about what He must have gone through when he descended into hell? He had to endure the consequences for every sin of every believing man for all time. That's an awful lot of suffering, even if you are God.

I guess I'm feeling regretful today that I haven't been able to bring myself to church. I'm missing the sense of community, especially during this time of year. I usually go to church for at least Lent/Easter every year. Basically what it comes down to is I can't handle my anxiety associated with going. Crowds make me feel ill no matter where I'm at, but for some reason it seems worse when everyone in the crowd knows who I am. The worst part is everyone saying, "Oh, I haven't seen you in forever." Then of course I have to explain what a loser I am, and that no, I haven't left the church. I'm not concerned that anyone is judging me or anything. I'm sure no one is thinking about me that deeply. Who has time to? I just don't like being social on that superficial, small talking level. I despise it above all things in fact. I'm a one-on-one kind of gal, and an in-person in a small setting kind of girl. I still miss seeing everyone though. I loved working at the church because it allowed me to be involved with everyone without being overwhelmed, and it gave me a sense of purpose there. I also feel this dread because I fear that I might find out bad news when I go, like that someone has died or something. I experience the same dread when it comes to calling people, so I just don't. Joyce Meyer would tell me to go read Battlefield of the Mind.

So this week I'm praying for myself to get over whatever this is. I wish church would just come to my house. If friends would just show up at my door, I would be a very happy lady. I'm fully aware that church life is a central part of being a Christian.