The joy of self-loathing

So I'm in that phase again. I could feel it coming on. That's what my little poem is about. I know my thoughts about myself are untrue, yet there they are repeating themselves in my mind. Like always, I kind of fell off the wagon with school. When the classes start I'm totally obsessed and do great. Then as the novelty wears off, I find other things to do. In Lit class, I rushed through the essay before last because I hadn't spent enough time with the material. I new my grade was going to suck since I put in zero effort, and at the time I turned it in, I was totally okay with that. Seeing that "C" was hard and started those little voices in my head.

I've been perceiving a lot of pressure from the spouse to get a job because we really would like to be able to purchase some things for the house, and he is in desperate need of a newer car. So in my attempt to appease, I have been applying for some jobs, working on my resume, etc. Trying to find a job is so discouraging and makes me realize just how hard it will be in this economy without a degree. So in that train of thought, I was looking into my options for my bachelors. I have 4 classes left for my associates, and think I'm going to try and crank those all out over the summer semester. So anyway, the hubby is less than thrilled with my lack of consistancy.

My problem is, I follow my train to thought whereever it goes. If I start thinking about school, then that's where my plans, time, resources go. If I start thinking about a project, then that's where my plans, time, resources go. You get the idea. So knowing this, knowing I can't seem to control it, and knowing that I'll change my mind again and never finish anything makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. I guess the good news is that I'm no longer in denial. I used to believe I was so responsible, organized, and good with money(I'm only good with these things in the workplace because of the forced structure). So that's where I'm at today.

My goals today:
Analyze "the flea" by John Donne and write up a poetry worksheet.
Pick out a topic for my final paper.
Do one substantial learning activity with the kids.
Mop the floors & finish the laundry.