April 15th

So I actually wrote this yesterday while I was out and about, but thought it was worth adding here. I need to get some type of small notebook. Anyway...

I had somewhat of an epiphany today. It's such a perfect day: warmth, sunshine, the aroma of springtime in the breeze...you get the idea. For a moment I thought to myself, "I wonder how I would perceive this day from the eyes of an athiest?" A dangerous question for a Christian, I know. Honestly expecting to feel a void, I cleared my mind of conscience instruction and imagined the mindset of pure nature. To my surprise, I felt completely liberated. It was like having a dark and heavy shroud lifted from my soul. I felt free to experience my day without regretting my sinful thoughts, without feeling bound by the Christian experience. I felt as if a thousand doors had been opened, unimaginable possiblities for my future. The freedom to follow my heart and impulses without a constant feeling of rejection. For the first time I felt the lure to truly reject God after being saved. At least I could understand it. Now I'm not saying this has altered my belief at all. It just makes me wonder what that says about my faith. Is my Christianity nothing more than self-judgement and condemnation? If I truly accept and experience the love of Christ, then why do I constantly feel overwhelmed with dread while walking in faith? Why does the idea of rejecting my faith make me feel more alive and hopeful than ever? Sure, I can chalk it up to nothing more than the lure of the world, but I think it's more than that.

Part of me feels the impending doom of end times. As Christians, we get bombarded with end time messages all the time. What if I'm not looking forward to the end? Is that wrong? What if I want to live my life to the fullest, whatever that entails? I want to see my kids grow up and have babies of their own. I want to live through the suffering and the joy of humanity.