Religious Left??? My 2 cents.

Why isn't there a larger religious left? For the life of me, I can't figure out why liberalism and Christianity are mutually exclusive? Things are not so black and white. Why is it that a majority of Christians believe that torture and the death penalty are the way to go? I highly doubt that Jesus would be lining up to vote yes on those. Yet the religious right has the audacity to condemn women who receive abortions. Don't get me wrong, I completely believe that abortions as birth control are a sin, but there are so many instances in which they can be justified. There are complex physical and mental circumstances that surround pregnancy. The only way to fairly decide who should be allowed to receive an abortion and who should not, is to bring each case to trial. Which is not only completely impractical since abortion needs to occur as soon as possible, but also impractical in terms of economic resources involved. Therefore we cannot have a blanket law to ban abortions.

Lets talk marriage. I think most would agree that marriage was created for procreation and the raising of children. I think most would also agree that marriage was intended for men and women since procreation naturally happens biologically between a man and woman. This has been a social standard, religious or not, for thousands of years. I believe that marriage should continue to be between a man and a woman. Now lets talk civil unions. I think it is important to point out that marriage and civil unions are NOT the same thing. A civil union allows 2 people to be legally tied to one another and grants benefits like those of marriage. Now let me explain why I'm not entirely against civil unions. First, a civil union does not necessarily imply sexual orientation. Second, in a country where single motherhood is through the roof, divorce is the norm, and children are being raised in a haphazard way, I don't see anything but good would come from allowing more civil unions if they help bring stability to these homes. I'm suggesting that civil unions not be exclusively the product of homosexuality. I don't see how it can hurt to take the "marriage" out of civil unions. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, so let me give some examples.

In the old days marriage was about a contract in order to maintain a family unit. It was not about love and romance. People did not get divorced for over infidelity or financial strain. Not to mention all the other insignificant things people divorce over. What if, for the sake of maintaining a family for their children, these couples separated the idea of love from the legal terms that unite their unit? I think that there are plenty of couples with children that would be happy to have a legal civil union without being "married". Does that makes sense?

Here is another situation in which I think civil unions would be awesome. As a mother of 2, I can imagine how difficult it would be for a single mother to raise her kids alone. We have all these single moms, who often in an attempt to help their situations, get involved with even more sorry men. Then they end up with more children and no husband. If I were a single mom, I could TOTALLY see myself partnering with a heterosexual female friend for the sake of securing our children's future. How blessed would those children be if one of the "moms" could stay home with them while the family receives healthcare and other benefits through the other mom's job? I think ideally every child should have a male role model too, but if one is not available, what is the harm in having 2 loving parents legally joined to provide for their families? I'm sure many single moms have not even considered how civil unions could benefit them. I believe God has a master vision of how families should be, but the reality is that families are becoming a thing of the past in America. Perhaps we need to rethink what is in the best interest of the next generation.

Home management 101...and other stuff

So I have been on a home management rampage lately. I'm undergoing my annual attempt to get the household and our finances in order. I now have charts for everything, LOL. For a couple years I've had a "Control Journal", but rarely take the time to use it because it's huge and heavy. If I open it, it covers my entire workspace on the kitchen counter. So, I made all new charts for my daily routines, my zones, weekly calender items, and weekly menus with coordinating grocery lists. Then I laminated them and taped them inside the cabinets where I have easy access to them and will see them a thousand times a day as I make snacks and meals.

I also made new laminated money envelopes using a word template. In order to try and better handle the money throughout the month, I broke down the envelopes into weekly amounts rather than monthly. Much easier to not overspend that way...hopefully.

I'm trying to get back on the ball with morning bible study too. I guess I'm in that phase again. So I cut and pasted 2 bible studies onto business size cards and made them a coordinating pocket. Love it. The whole bible study fits into my pocket so I can pull them out throughout the day whenever I have time. Perfect for waiting rooms.

This past week I was working on diaper stuff, all that home stuff, and of course my term papers. So I've had vary little time to write and digest. I imagine the next few weeks will be the same.

I had to take a break from running as it was causing me major abdominal pain. I'm guessing relating to my PCOS. My whole stomach was swollen...it was terrible. So I know I won't be able to run in the 5k I had planned, but I'm hoping to get back on the wagon. It's very discouraging to have so many problems every time I try to do something healthy.

OMGosh...I had the worst anxiety attack this morning, and THIS is why I never go to church. I spent a good hour mentally preparing myself to go, praying, etc. so that I wouldn't be apprehensive about going. I felt great when I showed up. I was even attempting to go to the 9:30 service for the first time in 10years...that is huge for me. 9:30 is always the most crowded service. So I get there, and realize that it's Confirmation Sunday. No big deal right? I've been a gazillion times. Then I realize there is no children's Sunday school or nursery. What the heck? So I take my kids to go sit down with me in the pews. It's only 9am, and I can't believe how many people are there already, but hey, it's Confirmation Sunday during the 9:30 service. There were about 8 pews marked "Reserved", so we had sit in the only place we could find a spot. Then I a lady comes and tells me that she is saving the rest of the row for her family. Then I hear her behind me whispering to her friend how she had tried really hard to save the spots and we slipped in on her. Then a minute later a young lady, I think her daughter, approaches looking completely annoyed that we are in "their" spot and she asks us to move. By now the girls have completely emptied their goody bags all over the pews. I struggle to gather all this junk, plus my mom gear, and try and find another spot. A gentlemen a few pews back offers us a tiny space to squeeze into, I thank him, and the kids and I get settled back in. Then he asks, "You know that service doesn't start until 10:30, right?" He goes on, "That's a long time to be waiting with two little kids, especially since it's a 2hr service." !!!!!! As I get up to leave, I see all the eyes following us. Of course all the ushers and organizers know me since I used to work for the church. Not a single one of them said boo to me, but instead looked at me like I was a freaking idiot as left. Gosh...good thing I wasn't a visitor...what an impression I'd have! By the time I reached the care, I was having a full-fledged anxiety attack. I cried all the way to my folks house. I can officially say after 10yrs....I am NOT going back. Church is a place to worship Christ, to feel welcomed, loved, and like you belong. I don't feel any of those things there, and I certainly never have enough peace while there to worship. Bummer.

April 15th

So I actually wrote this yesterday while I was out and about, but thought it was worth adding here. I need to get some type of small notebook. Anyway...

I had somewhat of an epiphany today. It's such a perfect day: warmth, sunshine, the aroma of springtime in the breeze...you get the idea. For a moment I thought to myself, "I wonder how I would perceive this day from the eyes of an athiest?" A dangerous question for a Christian, I know. Honestly expecting to feel a void, I cleared my mind of conscience instruction and imagined the mindset of pure nature. To my surprise, I felt completely liberated. It was like having a dark and heavy shroud lifted from my soul. I felt free to experience my day without regretting my sinful thoughts, without feeling bound by the Christian experience. I felt as if a thousand doors had been opened, unimaginable possiblities for my future. The freedom to follow my heart and impulses without a constant feeling of rejection. For the first time I felt the lure to truly reject God after being saved. At least I could understand it. Now I'm not saying this has altered my belief at all. It just makes me wonder what that says about my faith. Is my Christianity nothing more than self-judgement and condemnation? If I truly accept and experience the love of Christ, then why do I constantly feel overwhelmed with dread while walking in faith? Why does the idea of rejecting my faith make me feel more alive and hopeful than ever? Sure, I can chalk it up to nothing more than the lure of the world, but I think it's more than that.

Part of me feels the impending doom of end times. As Christians, we get bombarded with end time messages all the time. What if I'm not looking forward to the end? Is that wrong? What if I want to live my life to the fullest, whatever that entails? I want to see my kids grow up and have babies of their own. I want to live through the suffering and the joy of humanity.

My song today

The joy of self-loathing

So I'm in that phase again. I could feel it coming on. That's what my little poem is about. I know my thoughts about myself are untrue, yet there they are repeating themselves in my mind. Like always, I kind of fell off the wagon with school. When the classes start I'm totally obsessed and do great. Then as the novelty wears off, I find other things to do. In Lit class, I rushed through the essay before last because I hadn't spent enough time with the material. I new my grade was going to suck since I put in zero effort, and at the time I turned it in, I was totally okay with that. Seeing that "C" was hard and started those little voices in my head.

I've been perceiving a lot of pressure from the spouse to get a job because we really would like to be able to purchase some things for the house, and he is in desperate need of a newer car. So in my attempt to appease, I have been applying for some jobs, working on my resume, etc. Trying to find a job is so discouraging and makes me realize just how hard it will be in this economy without a degree. So in that train of thought, I was looking into my options for my bachelors. I have 4 classes left for my associates, and think I'm going to try and crank those all out over the summer semester. So anyway, the hubby is less than thrilled with my lack of consistancy.

My problem is, I follow my train to thought whereever it goes. If I start thinking about school, then that's where my plans, time, resources go. If I start thinking about a project, then that's where my plans, time, resources go. You get the idea. So knowing this, knowing I can't seem to control it, and knowing that I'll change my mind again and never finish anything makes me feel like a complete and utter failure. I guess the good news is that I'm no longer in denial. I used to believe I was so responsible, organized, and good with money(I'm only good with these things in the workplace because of the forced structure). So that's where I'm at today.

My goals today:
Analyze "the flea" by John Donne and write up a poetry worksheet.
Pick out a topic for my final paper.
Do one substantial learning activity with the kids.
Mop the floors & finish the laundry.

The idol scavenger of the idol mind

Like a flower chases the sun, he creeps upon me;
breathing a fleshly incantation, so earthly.
How tempting his sweet suggestion lingers;
What boredom must persist?
That the fallen angel of God’s fingers
Upon my idol mind insist?

Just one call upon His name liberates my sublime illumination
and you hide like a child, certain of eternal damnation
So what is your purpose here?
Endless badgering will only return the same answer;
In a moment of sorrow I may follow there,
yet faith will devour the deadliest cancer.

Can you flourish without His seed?
Upon the flesh of his children you feed?
You are lame, weak and wholly dependent;
All your grand schemes revolve around the maker
For what purpose would you have if truly independent?
you depraved scavenger and weak flesh partaker.